Michael Jackson is dead.

He was rushed to the hospital in cardiac arrest earlier today, and now he's dead. Everything else on the stupid news networks is nonsense for the next few days or weeks. My speculation on his cause of death? Drug overdose. Pain medication, for his chronic back pain.

Everyone in the world will know about this within hours. This will become a case study in social media, a case study of the rapid transmission of information. This will be plastered on the front of every news source everywhere.

Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dead on the same day. If I were 10-15 years older, I'd be 10-15 times more emotional. What a weird day.

May he rest in peace. God knows he had a tumultuous life.

New York Times Typo

Obvious typo on the front page of nytimes.com. It's front and center. I saw this immediately; is there no editor checking stuff this time of night, or what?

Screen grab taken just a a few minutes ago (12:40AM EDT), click to enlarge:

Blogger Elliott Back spotted another NYT typo. I posted a link to this page in his comments section, it's only fair that I link back.

The 30 Awesomest Dogs from My Childhood in the 90's: A Comprehensive List

If you grew up in the 90's, you'll remember all of these dogs. If not, you're probably aware of most of them. There may be a couple of pooches you wish I had included, but this list is really quite thorough and has all of the most important and famous canines from my own childhood.

Here they come, in no particular order. We'll start with:

MOVIE DOGS

1.) Buddy the Golden Retriever
From: The Air Bud movies

SPOILER ALERT: Buddy never dunks in this film. False advertising? Yes.

Simply put, Buddy is a multi-sport phenomenon. After demonstrating his considerable shooting prowess while leading the Fernfield Timberwolves basketball team to the championship, Buddy went on to lift the T-wolves to championships in football, soccer, baseball, and beach volleyball.

Also worth mentioning are two late great actors Buddy was privileged to share the screen with: Michael Jeter and Patrick Cranshaw.

Here's a video of Buddy doing what he does best most recently: stuffing the shit outta some punk on the sand. I've thoughtfully queued the video to the good stuff.

2.) Quark the Border Terrier
From: Honey I Shrunk The Kids, and sequels

After weeks of negotiation, Quark agreed to Rick Moranis' image appearing beside his.

In case you don't remember the movie: Quark saves the fucking day. After Wayne Szalinski (Rick Moranis) accidentally shrinks the kids, and they survive their odyssey across the yard, they hitch a ride on Quark back into the house. Then, in one of the most perfect scenes in the history of cinema, the shrunken Nick ends up in his dad's bowl of Cheerios, and is nearly devoured.

It's fun to imagine Wayne picking the mangled, miniature body of his oldest son from between his incisors; Quark had this exact thought, but decided he had to stop it. The normally docile Quark springs to action, biting Wayne, who in his surprise does not eat Nick, and then sees him. And then they get shot back up to regular size, and everything's cool.

You can almost hear the Disney brainstorming session that began once the movie broke even: Wait a second, the shrink-ray is also a enlarge-ray, right...?

Bonus fact:
• Quark may have also saved YOUR life, if you ever enjoyed the 4D thrills of Honey I Shrunk The Audience. Nick's pet snake Gigabyte is about to eat the entire audience, but Quark comes and scares him away. Spoiler alert.
• If you know what a quark actually is, good for you.


3.) Beethoven the St. Bernard
From: the Beethoven movies. I think I saw the second one once (there are six).
Beethoven is a big dog. Considering he is the title character, he has little impact on the plot of the movie. It's basically just about an evil guy who wants to use Beethoven for some fucked-up animal testing, but the family stops them. Really just kind of a cheap movie that was horrifying as a kid.


4.) Otis the Pug Puppy
From: The Adventures of Milo and Otis. You need to see this movie.

This poster was made before Photoshop; this embrace really happened.

God damn, this has got to be one of the best movies I've ever seen. It is all live-action and narrated by the delightful Dudley Moore who also does the characters' voices. It took four years to film, and although I have never seen the Japanese original, it is supposedly darker than this dark-for-a-kids-movie version. Milo and Otis is like the most wonderful storybook, read by a kindly Englishman, and he is showing only you the illustrations the entire time.

I will not do this movie the injustice of spoilers, but it is an exciting adventure, with real edge-of-your-seat danger. I'm not being sarcastic, this movie is pretty intense. It was a staple of my childhood movie time, but I had not seen it in years until recently. The potential is there for very deep interpretation about life, love, friendship and what-not. Also, it's simply beautiful to watch.


5.) Chance the American Bulldog and Shadow the Golden Retriever
From: Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (a remake, and originally a novel)

Sassy was cool— For a cat! She famously said, "Cats rule and dogs drool!"

First of all, great voice work in this movie. Michael J. Fox was the perfect wise-cracking Chance, the late Don Ameche (in one of his last roles) made a wonderful old and wise Shadow, and the sassy Sally Field voiced the sassy Sassy.

I remember Chance getting fuckin' got by a porcupine. Ouch!


6.) Charlie B. Barkin the German Shephard/Mix, Itchy Itchiford the Dachshund, and Carface Carruthers the Pit Bull
From: All Dogs Go to Heaven

Forsaking heaven, Charlie rises from the dead seeking revenge.

You've probably noticed I'm including more than one dog per list item here. Who cares.

You've heard that all dogs go to heaven; this is an indisputable fact. By studying Charlie the zombie-dog, many of the nuances of this universal law are demystified:

1. All dogs go to heaven, even if they have done no good deeds in their life (like Charlie). Note: Carface murders Charlie and is generally just a dick, but he gets into heaven too.
   
2. Every dog's lifespan is predetermined by a golden pocket watch, henceforth referred to as a "life-watch." Upon arriving in heaven, it is possible to manually wind the life-watch, enabling an extra life, so long as the watch continues to tick. After that...
3. ...That particular dog does not go to heaven. Said dog has chosen an extra life, and she/he is damned for eternity upon re-expiration of the life-watch.
4. It is in fact possible for a dog to regain heaven access through an act of self-sacrifice.

That was a nice list. But clearly, it's much easier for dogs to get into heaven than say, cats, who must die nine times before they even get a chance at it, and even then there's no guarantee. Dogs can fuck up their whole life, and then die and go to heaven. Then, forsaking heaven forever, a zombie dog can fuck up another entire life, and through a single act get it all back. Bring this up to your theology professor. Shield your eyes, and wait approximately three seconds. Collect mind fragments from around the room.

Oh yeah, and Charlie is voiced by Burt fucking Reynolds (and then Charlie Sheen in ADGtH2)!

Zombie Charlie
(mouseover to see Zombie Jay Leno)

Zombie Burt Reynolds
(mouseover to see the headshot)

Note: Zombie Jay Leno has nothing to do with this list. Thanks to IGN for these screens from Dawn of the Dead.


7.) Rimshot the Jack Russel Terrier
From: the Ernest movies

Rimshot and Ernest out looking for some Miak– hard to find this time of year.

In the most famous Ernest movie, Ernest: Scared Stupid, Rimshot gets turned into a wooden figurine by Trantor the troll. Then Ernest just fucking snaps. The folks at saturday morning central did this cool write-up about Scared Stupid (with animated .gifs).

Cool opening credit sequence from Scared Stupid:

8.) Milo the Jack Russel Terrier
From: The Mask movie(s) (based on a comics series, didja know that?)

Remember when The Mask came out and and you thought the special effects were amazing?

Another Jack Russel! They're pretty cool little dogs; normally I compare small dogs to rats.

Milo wears the mask for a a little while and saves the day. Also he helps Stanley (Jim Carrey) bust out of jail.

Anyway, sorry for the delay. Here's pictures of a 22-year-old Cameron Diaz who was absolutely sssssssmokin' in this, her first acting role.

*fap fap fap*

9.) Old Yeller
From: Old Yeller (actually a novel first. Maybe the ultimate case of "why read the book?")

This ought to kill that Cameron Diaz-induced boner

You know the story. Old Yeller saves Timmy Travis from a rabid wolf, but gets rabies himself and Timmy Travis has to shoot him. Then he gets a new dog— one of Old Yeller's puppies. Sad but, Old Yeller was getting old anyway and the new puppy is so much cuter!

Like racism, rabies was eliminated in the early 1990's.


10.) Dollar the Dollarmation
From: Ritchie Ritch (Comics and TV Show first, but the live-action movie is how I know him)

I couldn't find a good image of Dollar so I went screen-capped a couple. You're welcome.


That's Dollar on the cover of Dog World, dummy.

Dollar had dollar sign patterns in his fur, can you believe that?! I'd pay top dollar for a dog like that.

In the comics, Dollar is a "Dollarmation," which is a special type of Dalmation. Why they used a Jack Russel for the movie is beyond me.

Comic book Richie and Dollar. I dunno why the $'s are backwards.

11.) Goofy Goof (and Max, PJ, Pete, Bobby, etc)
From: A Goofy Movie, Goof Troop (TV show), and on and on

The perfect cast.

A Goofy Movie! What else do I have to say. Here, enjoy this:

Pauly Shore: "A little smoke-age, ow-ow-owoooooh!"

No discussion of the the Goof family can proceed without acknowledging a striking peculiarity. That peculiarity is number 12 on my list.


12.) Pluto Goof
From: I don't really know. Lots of Disney crap.

Even though they're the same species, Goofy is vastly more intelligent than Pluto

Pluto is a silly, though very loving and protective dog. It never made sense to me that Goofy (a dog) can talk and laugh and fall in love— yet he has a pet dog, Pluto, whose typical day includes slobbering, and maybe sitting or rolling over on command.

The nearest human equivalent is slavery. Perhaps with an education Pluto could learn to speak and express himself, and even hold down a job. But then who would fetch Goofy's morning paper? You see where I'm going with this. The writing is on the wall.


13.) White Fang the Wolfdog
From: White Fang (a novel, of course, but I didn't know that as a kid)

Remember when Ethan Hawke falls through the ice? That's what I remember.

Trivia time: White Fang is three-quarters wolf (mother is half dog, father is full wolf).

A great adventure story on a whole 'nother level from Milo and Otis. As you might expect, the Disnefied movie isn't nearly as serious and dark as the book, although it has moments of real danger. Hard to make jokes about White Fang, who was sold into dogfighting for a bottle of whiskey and won every fight. What a beautiful animal:

Keep the dog treats steaks coming, or he might rip your throat out.

14.) Hercules the English Mastiff (aka The Beast)
From: The Sandlot

Finally it became.. Science against Nature

If you don't know who The Beast is, then what the fuck? Scotty Smalls brought out a baseball, signed by Babe Ruth, and actually played with it (and actually played with it)!

The gang should have just asked Mr. Mertle and he would have gotten the ball, but legend said that Mr. Mertle was the meanest old man who ever lived. No one's ever gotten the best of ol' Hercules. They said that Babe Ruth was less than a god, but more than a man, like Hercules or something. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Hercules lived to be 199 years old— uh, in doggy years.

The Beast is really a pretty nice guy.

Trivia time: Marley Shelton, who played sexy lifeguard Wendy Peffercorn, went on to play Dr. Dakota Block in Robert Rodriguez' Planet Terror.

Lotion, oiling, oiling, lotion...


TV DOGS

15.) Lassie
From: Lassie. Actually a short story, novel, and movie before TV, but this is my list.

A striking portrait of Lassie VII

Not much to say about Lassie. She, more than any female in history, exemplifies the perfect companion. She loves her master unconditionally and is willing to cross any distance or brave any danger for him. She is smart for a girl, loyal, and most importantly: beautiful.

In TV and Film adaptations, Lassie has almost always been played by a male, and almost always by direct descendants of Pal, the original. Lassie is currently played by Rockie, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of the original.


16.) The Taco Bell Chihuahua
From: Taco Bell Commercials

This image tests whether you were alive in the late 90's.

Contrary to popular belief, this brilliant ad campaign was not discontinued because the dog died. It just didn't really make any money.

Taco Bell Dog deserves a video:

Ok, moving on.


17.) Ren Höek the Chihuahua
From: The Ren and Stimpy Show

Ren the rubber nipple salesman

I think every kid who watched Ren and Stimpy knew it was something special. Ren was a psychotic little bastard who took great pleasure in plotting Stimpy's murder on a regular basis. They don't make them like this anymore, because they can't. Too many mommies would complain, and I don't blame them. Everyone remembers graphic closeups like this one:
Here's Ren hatching a psychotic plan, and then just fuckin' losing it:

There was lots of other crazy shit going on in this show:

To me, SpongeBob is a tame Ren and Stimpy. Whether you watched RandS as a kid is a direct indicator of how strange and/or cool you are as an adult.

18.) Porkchop
From: Doug

Porkchop looks a lot like Quaildog: above, right.

Porkchop is probably as smart as Ren, but lacks homicidal urges, as well as Ren's ability to speak. He can play chess and tapdance. Porkchop is very brave, as demonstrated when he saves Beebe Bluff when she falls through some thin ice. Who could forget Porkchop's sweet-ass bachelor pad, complete with satellite TV, and art collection, and even its own mailbox. Porkchop is probably the ballinest dog on this list:

Porkchop's fresh igloo.


Interior shot

19.) Spunky
From: Rocco's Modern Life

Spunky might be the stupidest dog on this list

Another pooch from the golden age of nicktoons. Rocko's Modern Life really pushed the limits of how much innuendo could be written into a kids' show; some of the episodes have been edited for reruns. We kids really appreciated being exposed to adult ideas, even if some of them were soring over our heads. More trusting parents who only caught glimpses of the show didn't notice the frequent sexual overtones and themes (like the time Rocko got a job as a sex hotline operator, the time Ed Bighead thought Mrs. Bighead was cheating with Rocko, the fact that Rocko, Heffer, and Filburt frequent a restaurant called the Chokey Chicken, and on and on).

Back to Spunky. Unlike the hyper-intelligent Ren and Porkchop, Spunky's mental capacity is well below the average dog. Spunky is known to drink the contents of his water bowl, then sit with a blank stare while it refills with drool. He then mistakes it for more water, and drinks it again.

Spunky once fell in love with a mop.

20.) Spike
From: Rugrats

Sorry this picture is so shitty.

Last dog from a Nickelodeon show. We've had a couple geniuses, one dumb-ass, and now there's Spike. He's right on par for normal dog intelligence, sometimes doing silly things, but generally remaining affectionate and loyal to the Pickles family.

I never saw it, but in 2003 Rugrats Go Wild came out— it's a crossover movie where the Rugrats gang meets The Wild Thornberrys on a tropical island. Since Eliza Thornberry can talk to animals, Spike needed a voice. Who could voice Spike but Bruce Willis?

I've queued up this trailer so you can hear Spike talk for the first time ever (he spoke in a British accent in one early episode, but it was only Chuckie's weird dream). The rest of the trailer gives you a solid blueprint of the movie. On we go!

21.) Santa's Little Helper the Greyhound
From: The Simpsons

The Simpsons was really good and people wanted another season

So many good memories.

Homer rescues Santa's Little Helper after betting on him at the dog track with the last of the Christmas gift money. SLH finishes dead last. One time Bart got a credit card name in Santa's Little Helper's name (Santos L. Halper), and used it to buy Laddie, a much better dog. But Laddie was too perfect and Bart got bored of him. I'm sure there's entire fan sites for Santa's Little Helper made by some Simpsons nuts, so let's continue.


22.) Comet the Golden Retriever
From: Full House

Comet is kinda boring

I love Golden Retrievers.

Comet was a pretty average dog, except he was a great listener. The Tanner girls always knew who to talk to when they had a serious problem. Comet would just take it all in, and then the girl(s) would realize the best thing to do is just be honest and apologize for what they did. Then the soft music would play, and there's hugs, and the audience says "awww" and then applause and then the credits roll. See you to-fucking-morrow Tanner family.


23.) Wishbone, yet another Jack Russel Terrier
From: Wishbone

Wishbone as Robin Hood. God damn that's cute.

Wishbone could talk in the old-school way that Milo and Otis and the Homeward Bound dogs could talk: a voiceover was simply added over the dog just kinda standing there. No fancy CG moving mouths here.

Wishbone reenacted literary classics right on your TV. Sounds boring, but it really wasn't bad, and was significantly less boring than actually reading. Later, I discovered SparkNotes— when faced with having to read A Tale of Two Cities in like, seventh grade.


24.) Scooby and Scrappy Doo, Great Danes
From: Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!

In this 1980 photograph, Scooby and pal Shaggy are visibly stoned.

Scooby is the man da bomb. You will never forget Scoob. Watching old episodes now, it's clear that Shaggy and Scooby were enjoying some Doobie Snacks, if you know what I'm sayin. As a kid I just thought it was funny that they loved to eat so much, and could swallow entire meals whole.

Scrappy "Dappy" Doo is, I think, pretty annoying.

COMIC BOOK DOGS

25.) Marmaduke the Great Dane
from: Marmaduke

Marmaduke wasn't that funny

Marmaduke is a fairly self-indulgent pick for this list, because the comics are usually not funny. However, they were easier to read than Prince Valiant, so I read them each Sunday as a kid. The "Dog Gone Funny" reader-submitted story that accompanies each comic strip is probably my favorite part. It was sort of a pre-YouTube way to experience other peoples' dogs doing silly things.

Personal note: I begged my parents for a dog of my own consistently until I was 12 years old.

26.) Odie the Beagle
From: Garfield

I used to be able to draw Odie pretty well.

You might place Odie among the stupider dogs on the list, and that'd be because you're not that into Garfield. Any real Garfield fan will tell you to look closer. On a few occasions Odie betrays his true intellect— usually when Garfield and Jon leave him alone.

Yep, Odie is a reclusive genius. Click to enlarge this strip (from April 27, 1989):
See every Garfield strip ever at the official site.


27.) Snoopy the Beagle
From: Peanuts

In soulless individuals, no measurable mood elevation is induced by this image.

Snoopy!

LITERARY DOGS

28.) Shiloh the Beagle
From: Shiloh

Judd Travers used to beat this dog. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Shiloh was cool and all, but I'm not clear on the message. It seems to teach kids (Marty) that it's okay to steal property (Shiloh) from its rightful owner (Judd).

Or is it a story bout how to trick a kid (Marty) into doing yard work (tell him he can have the dog) for you (Judd) while you have fun (drink and abuse animals).

Either way, Shiloh made me want a Beagle.

29.) Pal
From: Arthur books and TV show

Fuckin' adorable.

Confession time: I don't really remember any of Arthur and Pal's adventures. Pal made this list based entirely upon his immeasurable cuteness, which I do fondly remember.

He is definitely the cutest cartoon dog, but a close second goes to the last dog on the list, who is also the most bad-ass (beating out even White Fang):

30.) Clifford the Big Red Dog
From: His series of books.

Clifford started out as a small red puppy. Emily Elizabeth started out as a poorly-drawn nightmare-child.

Clifford the Big Red Dog. He was the tiny runt of his litter, but thanks to the mutagenic power of Emily Elizabeth's love, he grew to to the towering red colossus we all wish we could have ridden to school.

Some quick research failed to turn up a top speed for a Clifford-sized dog. So, I did some very rough calculation: based solely upon the picture below, and some semi-made-up statistics.
Let's say Emily Elizabeth is 5ft. tall (approx avg. height for a 10-year-old girl is 4'3", but Emily looks taller than the adults in this illustration). I've eyeballed Clifford to about 12ft at the shoulder, well over 20ft from nose to tail.

A male greyhound is up to 2'6" tall, and can run up to 43mph. So, Clifford could run like, 200mph. Clifford is not built for speed like a greyhound, so I conclude that Clifford could easily run at speeds in excess of 100mph(161km/h), perhaps topping out at around 150mph (241km/h). Clifford could casually chase down a cheetah and bring the carcass back to Emily Elizabeth as a gift.

Also, Clifford teaches kids life lessons.

The End

Thanks for reading. Also thanks if you just skimmed along, looking at the pictures, but you need to grow up. Why not send your friends the link? I even put it right here for you.